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Want To Know Me?

If you want to know me. Really know me. Just watch DISPATCHES FROM ELSEWHERE... I identify with every character... Today I had to go back and dive into that world. "You're okay.... You're okay...." Simone says that at the end of episode one. It's been a hard thing for me to say to myself... Even if it's true.

So, this week started out so promising. I started a new Body Groove workout regimine. Within that 27 minute workout, there was a moment that has had me depressed ever since. So, day 1 of my new routine was also my last day... As I danced around my living room, there was a song change and all of a sudden, we were doing ballet moves to a sweet song. The ballet moves triggered me. I wanted to be a ballerina when I was younger. Took classes when I was an adolescent. I adored the graceful movements. Took a class in my first year of college and I was told I was "too tall." Turns out tallness is an attribute worthy of ballet, but I took the instructor's words like a knife to the heart. I dropped the class. I gave up. This was just one of many critiques I listened to. Changed me at the opinion of someone else?!?! As I danced gracefully in my living room with the Body Grooves video Monday, I sobbed. I just love that form of dance. I missed it. I cried for a few hours. Alone. Told others about it later and I didn't feel heard or that they understood the weight of it. 

The weight of it... There's so much weight to me. This is why I have a podcast called HEAVY BOOTS. I carry so much and feel so damn deeply, you'd think I'd explode from feeling. So many don't feel this deep and so it's hard NOT to feel alone or different.

What NEVER makes me feel different? DISPATCHES FROM ELSEWHERE... This show is one of those shows that feels like it was written for me. Peter is struggling to believe there's more to life and then magic makes its way in and he's ignited. Then life brings him back to reality which is boring and alone. Simone is hiding who they are and hates being harassed for it. Feminity proves dangerous with harassment and I too have hated that kind of attention. Hard to trust real connection when others have broken you. Fredwyn is a control freak and seeks to know everything possible. I ache to keep everyone safe and feeling good which of course is impossible 100% of the time! Janice is so scared of abandonment and being alone. She never cultivated a great relationship with herself and now that is catching up with her as her husband is in a coma. She's lost and alone. 

Every single character is a piece of me. Shines such a light on all my insecurities and hardships in life. I too ache for something more... I crave magic. Something that gives me some energetic boost! I too feel insecure in my skin and upset with myself for not honoring myself. I too feel that when all else fails to make me feel secure that I can go overboard with what I CAN control. It can be uncomfortable for those around me when all I want to do is rearrange the living room, again. I too am faced with abandonment issues. Most everyone I know (besides my brother) have either physically or emotionally abandoned me. I fear anyone and everyone I get close to will eventually catch wise and leave... "It's me I'm the problem, it's me... One day I'll watch as you're leaving and life will lose all its meaning." All these characters are ME. 

So, if you want to know who I am, all you have to do is watch DISPATCHES FROM ELSEWHERE... The question of "Is this real?" as well as all the questions of art, character, life, passion, purpose and meaning speak to the deepest pieces of my heart, soul and spirit. 

I let others define or tell me what they think and then I believe it to be fact. It gets imbedded in my mind and those critical statements get replayed every time I start to move passed those critiques. I get so stuck in this round about of words I've never said or believed about myself, but allowed to seap into my psyche. 

The end of this beautiful series captures EVERYTHING I believe in and feel to be true. The monologue that Jason Siegel brings to life... "I just think the whole thing is fun, and weird and dark and hilarious, and I want it to be all those things — because I am all those things. This experience helped me remember that." That's just a piece of what he said and I've turned the ENTIRE monologue into a piece of art that hangs up in my living room. It's the MOST impactful thing I've ever heard... And yet...

I'm still here. Trying to figure out how to make my life better. I swim in so many pools of depression and anxiety... Before 2021, I didn't go swimming as often. It wasn't like I was 100% healthy and NEVER went to these pools, but BEFORE 2021 I was so much more at ease. 

Though we cannot blame circumstance and only have the power of how we react. I'm being real. I'm not stuffing down feelings or faking it till I make it. I'm here in those dark feelings and today they are suffocating me. I can't function or focus. I'm a wreck. I have not been courageous in my reactions and I sit in tears. I own it. I don't require pity or any kind of attention. All I need is to "catch my breath." I still haven't yet... 

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